Artifacts
by Sebastian Lenderman
Summary: What happens when two teenagers find themselves in a universe inhabited by ponies?
1. Chapter 1

Artifacts… By Sebastian Lendermen and horse PhD

They awaken, two helpless teenagers find themselves in the middle of Everfree forest, they are Fernando and Brandon, and this is their story…

"The hells… where are we!" yelled a distraught Fernando to Brandon, still groggy "I dun no… wait a second… WHERE ARE WE!" Brandon yelled

"I asked YOU!" Fernando yelled

"Well I don't know! By the way who the hell are you?" Brandon countered

"The name's Fernando don't wear it out, now who in god's name are you?"

"I am airman first class Brandon k Savage and I think we are in a rather expansive forest due to the lack of sunlight"

"And I'm a fucking Neophyte" Fernando said in stark sarcasm

"Watch your mouth twinkle toes" Brandon said as he looked to the ground next to him. He picked up an old beat up rifle. "This thing was always durable" he mumbled to himself

"Where the FUCK did you get a rifle?" Fernando yelled

"I'm in AFJROTC" Brandon sighed. "Specials teams too, this was one of the rifles we used for rifle B team" he sighed.

"That still doesn't answer my damn question!" Fernando bellowed

"I have no idea but it's with me now" Brandon sighed

Strange noises begin to come from the undergrowth, Brandon and Fernando both look in its direction. The sound was only getting closer and closer, Brandon didn't raise his rifle, Fernando was becoming nervous, "The hell is going is going on?" he whispered. Suddenly Applejack, Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy emerge. Brandon and Fernando Stared at the ponies and received equally distraught stares from them, Applejack spoke first "Hhhhhhhhhhellllooooo, weeeeee meeeaaaannnnn yaaaaaaaa'lll NOOOOO haaaaaaarrrmmm!' She finished, Fernando quickly responded "oh sweet Jesus it talks!" he yelled

"Hello there I am a human we have no intent to hurt you, could you please show us to the nearest town" Brandon said with an un-phased look on his face

All three of the ponies suddenly gasped; the strange hairless monkey things could _talk! _

"Well, you seem well articulated" Twilight responded

"Well, we are, now, care to explain why you three are here?" Fernando spoke

"We were looking for my pet bunny, Angel" Fluttershy cut in

A little white rabbit hops out of the undergrowth

"Is that him?" Fernando asks

"Angel!" Fluttershy squeaked with delight, she picked him up and flew off home, Brandon and Fernando suddenly became wide-eyed "you can FLY!" Fernando yelled "it looks like they can" Brandon responded

"So ya'll coming with us or not?" Applejack spoke

"Oh, right" Brandon said

After a rather long walk, the humans and ponies make it to Ponyville and immediately receive strange looks; some ponies ran into their homes while others just froze in place, wondering what exactly it is that they're looking at. The human duo is led into Twilight's home; Applejack went back to her home.

"Ok, now we need to get to work immediately" Twilight said with a sparkle in her eye

"Uhhh… what exactly do you mean by 'work'?" Fernando nodded

"Well, you're physical of course!" She smiled

Brandon and Fernando give Twilight an awkward look

"Uh, no, I don't think I would respond very well, to a surprise physical" Fernando said… awkwardly

"But I need to know if you creatures are anything like us!" Twilight said

"Uh, we can talk, we can think, we can't fly but give me a couple of kerosene canisters and a pile of scrap metal and I will fly, Brandon, anything you'd like to add?" Fernando responded

Brandon sighed "let's just get this over with, it's gonna happen eventually" Fernando suddenly grabbed Brandon and whispered

"Are you really gonna let some four legged thing fondle you?" He went

"Uhh, yea, better than a MALE four legged thing, am I right?" Brandon responded

"Damn it all, you're right; it can't be THAT bad can it?" Fernando tried to reassure himself

"Ok, mrs… Sparkle, we're all yours…" Fernando coarsely said to Twilight…

[-ONE PHYSICAL LATER-]

"Oh dear god I thought it would never end…" Fernando whimpered to Brandon

Brandon only shook his head in disagreement "I've had worse" he countered

Twilight was going through her findings and saw that the humans were shockingly similar to ponies in terms of internal anatomy; unfortunately, they had no capacity for magic… at all. Twilight walked over to the humans and spoke…

"Well, that's all, you 'Hue-manes' are a really strange bunch, and you even have spleens and appendixes…" Twilight rummaged through her findings again

"Whatever" Brandon responded with an aloof tone

"So, can we get something to eat, we're starving here!" Fernando demanded

"Oh right, you creatures have to eat to!" Twilight realized

[-ONE FEAR AND PANIC FILLED WALK LATER-]

"I don't get it, why are the… natives getting restless?" Fernando asked

"Oh, they're just not used to seeing overly evolved apes…" Twilight responded

Brandon shrugged off the insults with a hint of disdain in his face. The trio finally makes it to the Sugar cube Corner where Pinkie Pie was expecting visitors, the second the humans walked in was marked by a dozen shrieking ponies that quickly bolted out of the building; Pinkie had just finished backing a batch of cupcakes and walked in.

"Uhh… why is everpony screaming?" Pinkie calmly asked as she laid down the pastries onto a large plate… then she noticed the humans… Her eyes grew wide and she inhaled deeply…

"… OHWAITTHEYREWITHYOU!" Pinkie ran out of breath and took a closer look at the "weird monkey things" Fernando was in her sights first

"Uhhh, very nice to meet you mrs…" Fernando was quickly off

"Pinkie Pie mister!" she (loudly) responded

"Good to meet you , my name is Brandon and we would like to know if we could get something to eat." Brandon spoke

"Oh, of course, this is a bakery; nopony just walks in for no reason, do you want any cupcakes, danishes, muffins…!" Pinkie wouldn't stop babbling, Twilight had to intervene to calm her down. After a lunch of various pastries Fernando speaks…

"So, what do you…? 'Ponies'… do for fu…"

Twilight puts a hoof over Fernando's face and whispers…

"Don't even say it; she's going to go nuts" she removes her hoof

"Bah, should've told me earlier!"

"About what?" Pinkie jumped in

"Nothing, nothing at all!" Brandon shouted

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie yelled as she returned to her baking session

"So, considering our species do you think we'll be meeting any important figureheads?" He asked

"Oh, I can't believe I forgot, I need to send a letter to Princess Celestia!" Twilight mumbled

"Celestia?" Fernando whispered

"I'm guessing this Celestia figure is a leader of some sort military or otherwise" Brandon interrupted

"Celestia isn't a military leader; she's a goddess, everpony's leader" Twilight cuts in

"If she is 'everypony's' leader that must mean she leads the military too right?" Fernando asks

"Probably, but I think she has a pony for that" Twilight agreed

The trio leaves sugar cube corner and head to Twilight's tree… Once again everypony became restless as they caught another glimpse of the humans, foals hung their heads in fascination of the strange hairless monkeys as they themselves were being frantically dragged back into they're homes. The trio passes through mainstreet market

"Twilight, you go write your letter, me and Brandon'll take a look around the market" said Fernando

Twilight nodded and agreed "Alright I guess, just don't go too far"

The purple mare walks off to her tree, and the Humans go about the market, which was nearly deserted at this point

"I don't think these ponies like us" Brandon smirked

"Oh you think?" Fernando shot back

A few minutes have passed and all seemed "normal" as the humans sorted through the trinkets and strange foods they came across, suddenly, the merchants who were brave enough to allow the humans to approach them bolted off in every direction, now the market was empty.

"The hell is going on?" Fernando yells

Armored figures make their way through the market, they silently surround Fernando, and he was begging to panic

"Ok, what the hell _is _going…" Fernando's sentence was cut short by a hoof to the back of the head, Brandon was next in line, and as fernando got a hoof to the skull brandon's instincts kicked in and he ran towards the everfree forest as a short chase ensued before he yelled from the top of a tall tree "you will remeber this as the day you almost caught me" he said with heavy breaths before the tree shook from a kick to the tunk causing brandon to tumble out. He then met a swift kick to forehead which put him down for the count.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2…

Once again the humans awoke with terrible headaches, but this time, strapped to large tables in a large, sterile-looking room, all manners of surgical and examination tools were neatly hung side by side on one wall over another table, a large one way mirror dominated another wall, and small, magical lights hung over each individual.

Fernando cries out "HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!"

Brandon yelled back "Who's in charge here!"

"i do belive zat vud be me" a voice boomed from nowhere. "I fuckin know you're behind the mirror" Brandon shot, then sighed. "vell ve have zome vedy smarty moonkies here dont ve?" the voice chuckled.

There was a small puff of white smoke and a strange looking grey unicorn with an eggshell white mane and tail wearing a doctor's jacket and a pair of glasses walked out of the smoke with a smirk.

"Well it looks like we have a fucking Josef Mengele in pony form what the fuck is next, oh lemme guess you're gonna cut us open and pull our guts out" Brandon sighed. "nononono nozing like that, I just came to make sure your vounds have healed but it vud be a great pleasure if i could get a look at your insides" the unicorn said with a slight chuckle. "You got a name?" Brandon asked as he struggled against the restraints. "Call me Vier" the unicorn said as he walked over to the two strapped to the table.

"Well, at least I know I'm going to die… but why the restraints!" Fernando shakes his arms. "Oh of course I forgot to un-restrain you two" Vier's horn begins to glow a crisp white, and then the bonds begin to glow similarly and untied themselves. The duo immediately jumps off their tables but quickly realize that they've been hooked up to IVs.

"AGH, what the!" Fernando yelps as the IV is magically removed from his arm, Brandon underwent the same thing

"I forgot to remove your IVs" Vier chuckled again

"For exactly how long have we been out" Brandon demanded

"No more zan seventy-two hours" Vier responded

"one last thing" Brandon asked

"yes?" said Vier

"Sie sprechen Deutsch?" brandon asked vier in german. his question was met with a gasp from Vier.

"Sie sprechen können das Pferd Sprache?" vier asked.

"Ja, ich glaube, ich kann" brandon chuckled.

" ziz iz ztrange" vier said.

"ja mehr als Sie wissen ... so können wir auf Ihre Führer sprechen ... Celestia Ich glaube, sie hieß?" brandon responded.

"Oh ja she vill be here in a few to meet you" vier said as he adjusted his glasses.

"You know how to speak German?" Fernando nodded

"When you listen to rammstien you WANT to learn german" Brandon smiled

Suddenly, 3 royal guardsmen barge into the room and push Vier out of their way

"We'll take it from here" one shot

The humans are quickly escorted to a large, bunker-like room just outside of the room Vier worked, all across the room where things that were oddly familiar, they saw a blender, a vaccum, a shotgun, a computer an ipod and all sorts f other assorted technologies that shouldn't be there, every single piece was being studied by scholars and scientists. In the center of the room was a strange figure, the humans would come to know her as Celestia. The humans only stared in awe as they were escorted to the center of the room. They are immediately seated across the two figures and have spears pointed at their heads.

"hey you mind getting these spears away from my skull having a concussion still hurts and I have no intent to harm anyone" Brandon sighed. "Could I get some water or something" he said with a straight face

A royal guard put a spear to his neck "Just say the word" He said to the figure.

"That won't be necessary" Said Celestia "As for you two, where did you come from?" as she said this, a royal guard unrolled a large map of Equestria in front of the humans.

"We're not from this planet" Fernando blurts out

"No no no no" Brandon shot, "This map looks a lot like… America"

"America?" Celestia pondered

"Yes America, that's where we came from"

"So you are native to this world" Celestia said

"No, this place looks like our homeland but it's not" Fernando shot

"Then where are you from?" Celestia responded

"We're probably not even part of this universe…" Fernando finished

"So you probably came in like these strange artifacts" Celestia wondered

"Probably" Brandon responds

"So you can tell us how they work!" A random scholar shouted

"Yes probably" Brandon nodded

The winged scholar leaves for a moment and returns with a blender, everyone is staring at the humans to see if they do know how to use it

"Could you explain this contraption to us?" the scholar asked

"It's used to dice and blend various things, usually ingredients" Brandon explained "All it needs is a power source"

"Power source? Like what?" The scholar said with intrigue

"Electricity" Fernando cut in

"Like lightning?" The scholar gasped

"Something less intense than that, what about magic?" Fernando suggested "anybody here willing to provide?"

Brandon asked a random scholar to gather a few ingredients… and a cup

A unicorn guardsman volunteered for the energy requirement

"Ok, do you think you can drain some of your energy into this blender?" Fernando asked

The guardsman nodded his head and began, his horn began to glow and so did the blender

"Brandon, want the honors?" Fernando chuckled, Brandon pressed the "Blend" button and everypony watched, some gasped as the blender came to life but sputtered and stopped.

"Damn, needs more power, I need another volunteer!" Fernando demanded, two more unicorns rose up to the task and joined the first unicorn. In unison they drain their energy into the blender, it finally comes to life and does its job, but not before Brandon deposited some fruits, milk, and ice into the machine, after a few seconds, Fernando called off the guardsmen and they dropped, and the blender stopped and Brandon quickly grabbed it, he opened it, poured its contents into a cup and chugged it down. Everypony was staring with awe; even Celestia was intrigued by the event.

"Amazing…" The scholar was furiously taking notes while another came up to the humans

"Anything else you can show us?" He eagerly asked, Brandon looked at the shotgun

"Take me to that metal pipe thing" Brandon demanded, he quickly took hold of the gun and asked for a target, the guardsmen set up a training dummy, Brandon cocks the gun, a shell jumps out of the gun, the scholars are intrigued

"Looks like there's ammo in it" Brandon smiled, he points the weapon at the dummy and lets off a single round, everypony in the room jumps at the loud boom and stares at the damaged dummy, the scholars were more amazed than afraid. Celestia leaned to a random guardsman and said "we'll be back when this is over" and walks out; no one noticed due to the gunfire being dispensed by Brandon, he keeps one shell intact for the scholars to study. Next up for research, was an ipod touch, Fernando picked up the little machine and saw that it was _his_, Brandon wrenched it from Fernando's hand and began to toy with it as the scholars watched in amazement at the touch sensitive screen, Brandon then looks through saved files and happens to find "Meet the medic" among them, he presses the button and watches the scholars stare in shock and awe at the moving picture "these are more they're kind" one scholar stated, they were distraught and disgusted by the acts of violence though.

"Your kind calls _this _entertainment!" One scholar shouted in disgust as soon as the video ended

"No, this was a war movie" Fernando said, "It's meant to be violent"

The scholars shrugged, whispered amongst each other for a moment and moved on, there were more "artifacts" to study, they split up Fernando and Brandon to different directions, Brandon was to uncover the mystery of the backend of a trailer (the scholars simply called it the "big metal box"), burly guardsmen had already pried open the "box" but the scientists were unsure of its cargo, which consisted of a massive amount of metal canisters with a blue and silver color scheme. "Human!" One unicorn scientist yelled at Brandon from across the bunker, he levitated a can up Brandon "do you know what this does?" he asked

Brandon's eyes lit up and his faced began to look like that of a drug addict "Oh thank god" he whispered, he snatches the can out of the air, opens the can and chugs the drink in seconds, the scientist and his retinue stared awkwardly

"What… what did you just drink?" One scholar asked

"Redbull, of course!" Brandon shot

"Red…bool?" The scholar continued to stare at Brandon downed another one of the strange beverages, a random royal guard found a stray can and saw how the human opened it, he thought for a second and whispered:

"Why not?"

He snaps open the can and gives the strange liquid within a sip, he coughs, gags and spits before yelling an obscenity , everypony in the room stares at him

"What?" he yelled

"This liquid is vile!" the guard flings the can and walks off

"Really?" Brandon said "But it's tasty and refreshing" he defended the drink "Go ahead try it" some of the scholars and guards decided to try it, a good half of the ponies in the room collectively gagged and spit

"BAH! The guard was right!" a pegasus scientist yelled

"I liked it…" a unicorn stepped in; he continued to sip from the can

"As did I" an earth pony stood up next to the defending unicorn "Human, what did you call that drink again?"

Brandon smiled…

Fernando was being put to work as well; he was led to a computer with a connected monitor display and keyboard, the whole thing was hastily put on the table, and Fernando himself quickly lit up when he saw it "Well, 'Fernando', we've found this bizarre little contraption and we're certain you'll be able t-"

"A computer! Wait…" Fernando was dumbfounded; the "contraption" looked eerily similar to his computer back in his room, he instantly approached the machine and payed no mind to the ponies scattering when he approached; he took a close look at its markings… "Aperture science?" it read on the side, Fernando shrugged and lost interest for a moment, the scientists paid intense amounts of attention to Fernando's whispers, one Pegasus pony tilted her head and asked "Ap-err-ture?"

The human immediately turned to the mare and said "Yes, a Aperture, not much more there Is to it" he quickly demanded a power source, and the scientists remembered the ordeal the guardsmen had to go through to power a _blender_, they were ready to turn down his request until one scientist earth pony suggested if they bring in… Celestia, a unicorn immediately points to him and yells "SEIZE HIM!" guardsmen immediately pin down the earth pony, he begs for mercy and was being dragged him off, they were only stopped by Fernando,

"Wait, he said to bring in Celestia, right!"

The guard replied with an annoyed "yes" and Fernando smiles "She IS a god… right?" he asked; the scientists all look at each other and collectively nod their heads, "Perfect" the human replied… A unicorn takes three guardsmen with him and walk past Fernando "She'll be here in a moment" he shoots at Fernando. Fernando returns to the computer and examines it one more time; this _clearly_ wasn't his computer, he immediately thought of Brandon, maybe he knew something. An earth pony approaches him asking for assistance with another "relic", Fernando gave a quick smile and agreed to help, but he was quickly cut off from the pony when royal guard flood the room and form 2 lines across it, they separate at the center to let Celestia through, every-pony bows as she walks past, the last two guards in front of Fernando disperse, the line ended with him and the computer behind him. Celestia towered over the crowd, and Fernando did his best not to seem afraid, Brandon came in to take a look at where the guards were gathering, his jaw drops in awe at the spectacle.

The goddess approaches Fernando and looks down on him; the guards were reluctant to let her so close to the "foreigner"

Celestia simply smiled; "What do you need help with?" she asked casually, Fernando opened his mouth but no words came out, "how do you speak to god?" he thought, he sheepishly asks her to provide power to the computer.

"In the name of science!" A scholar pointed out

"Alright then" Said the Alicorn

Celestia's horn began to thrum with power and a brilliant white light began to emanate from inside of the computer, Fernando pressed the power button as fast as he could, he was terrified of the possibility of being incinerated. The machine started up normally and the desktop appeared and Fernando quickly went to work…

"The internet will be useless here, what else is in here… come on…" he thought, he turned around for a second to catch a glimpse of the researchers, to no surprise they were observing his every move right down to every last breath he took, he turned his head to Celestia, she was in a state of concentration, but she was still able to speak normally,

"Now would you show us how this 'kahmpyuter' works?' Celestia asked."GLADLY" Brandon said as he stepped in front of the machine setting Fernando aside, he began to tap various buttons on the keyboard. "Now then what would be impressive" Brandon mumbled to himself as he searched the contents of the computer. "Dead space, tf2, terraria, hl2...PORTAL" he mumbled then exclaimed. He tapped the aperture science logo and the game started up. Brandon double clicked on the new game button and it started. All the scholars and even Celestia were amazed as glados began her monotone robotic speech at the beginning. "That thing talks" a scientist said with a wide eyed look of excitement. "Wow...what purpose does this simulation serve?" one scientist asked. "It is for entertainment and thinking outside the box" Brandon said with a smile. "What do you mean 'outside the box'?" Celestia asked. "Well lemme show you" Brandon said. "Look there is a ledge there and a box on it" Brandon said pointing to an unreachable ledge. "If I do this and this" he said as he made a portal at the base and top of the ledge and walked through it grabbing the box. "I can get to the next level" Brandon said smiling to the princess as he placed the box onto a button. "Congratulation [subject name here] your complementary victory lift is waiting for you at the exit" glados chimed in. "wow...portals" a unicorn said scribbling something down on a piece of paper. "Yes on a computer you can do THIS and ALOT more" Brandon explained. "Well that's quite an interesting machine" Celestia said. "Alright, you can stop powering the computer" Fernando cut in, Celestia stopped draining her energy and the computer quickly blacked out.

Suddenly Vier strolls in with a scroll levitating over him, he approached Celestia

"Here are the medical reports you wanted" He said with a bow, Celestia levitates the scroll towards her face and unrolls it…

"Your only colts?" Celestia blurted out

Suddenly the whole room went silent

"_They're children?"_ One guardsman yelled

"But that one looks like he's ready for battle!" Another guardsman yelled as he pointed at Brandon, Fernando cuts in yet again

"Well, you see, our race is… a thousand years ahead of yours, a few of us who were brave enough even went to our moon back at OUR solar system, we're even on the path of creating intelligent machines!" He explained

Every scholar, every scientist, everypony within earshot, went slack jawed, Celestia continued reading the scroll. "And you don't even have your cutie marks!"

"What's a cutie mark?" Brandon asked

"A cutie mark is a symbol that appears on someponys flank when they discover their special talent"

"So someone's special talent is embedded into a tramp-stamp for everyone to see? Oh how could that _possibly _go wrong?" Brandon said with unhidden sarcasm.

"All… right… moving on please?" Celestia shrugs "In fact, guards!"

Two guardsmen immediately bring in strange looking outfits that have been stretched over pony mannequins, but were relatively unharmed

"This one of our most recent discoveries, and we would like to know if they're dangerous in sense of, do they explode, maim, burn, pinch… glare!" One scientist explained while he received strange looks form his colleagues

Brandon's eyes grew wide before he let out a fan-girl squeal and ran to the outfits babbling incoherent nonsense

Everypony and Fernando collectively go "What?"

Brandon looked back and muttered "Its. DAFT! PUNK!" as he looked over the outfits.

Celestia and Fernando both cocked their heads "What?" then exchanged looks

"Back in our universe their a musical sensation!" Brandon yelled as he hugged one of the mannequins "And this is WHAT THEY WEAR WHEN THEY PERFORM!" he continued

"And this applies to us why?" Fernando finally speaks

"Because they're AMAZING!" Yelled Brandon as he grabbed Guy-Manuel's helmet and donned it, it was a snug fit

"So you're wearing a fancy motorcycle helmet?" Fernando grumbled

"Uh YEA, here's the other helmet, go ahead put it on!" Brandon insisted

"Fine…" Fernando put the helm over his head "hey, this is pretty cool…"

Brandon reached over to the side of Fernando's helmet and gently turned a knob a couple of times before a red line traveled across the visor, the line endlessly repeating itself.

"The hell, this is freaky…" Fernando's voice sounded muffled by the helm

"You think that's freaky, I have a rainbow going up and down my face shield, wait a second, I think there's a mic in this thing" Brandon feels his helm and finds a small switch, he flips it, nothing happens

"Well?" Fernando asked

"**I don**- **wait a second, oh my god my voice, MY VOICE**!" Brandon squealed

"Hey, that sounds like the voice in that one song… Harder Better Faster Stronger?" Fernando interrupted

"**Wow… you just… you really don't know Daft Punk…**" Brandon sighed

The humans suddenly realized something, they looked into a silent crowd, everypony was staring at them with mixed looks, and even the researchers stopped taking notes for a moment.

Brandon breaks the silence "**Can I change into one of these outfits**?" He asked

"Well, alright I suppose" said a distraught researcher

"**Relax, it's not technological, it's just very well made**" Said Brandon as he stripped out of his uniform and into the outfit

"Have you no shame boy?" Asked Fernando as shielded his visor

"**Not really, no**" Said Brandon as the researchers pressed on in their relentless note taking.

"Oh and, we found this along with the outfits along with the outfits" A scholar pointed

Brandon's eyes grew wide again, the object the pony pointed to look like a oversized turntable with numerous screens and a keyboard, "**Celestia, would you do the honors?**" Brandon yelled

"I'll do one better" Celestia stabbed Brandon's right hand with her horn, it phases through it, leaving a strange symbol, a sun with a crescent moon within

"Go ahead and try it!" She insisted

"**Uh… Alright?**" Mumbled Brandon

Approaching the machine, Brandon put his hand over a random screen and without warning the whole machine roared to life. Before Fernando could marvel at the machine however, he was nudged by Celestia

"Exactly how old are you two?" She asked

"Back home I'm 16 years old, I don't know about my… accomplice"

"**How old is school age!**" Brandon cuts off Fernando

"Primary or secondary education?"

"**Secondary!**"

"12 to 18!" Celestia nodded

"**Well I'm 16!**"

"Can I talk now!" Fernando cuts off Brandon

Fernando's stomach grumbles

"Oh and, got anything to eat, we may be a thousand years ahead of you but we still need food!"

"Well, what do you eat?" Celestia asked gently

Vier suddenly jumped into the conversation "akording to zer dental verk and GI trakt zeyre ohmnivorz"

"Is it that obvious?" Said Fernando

"Zat ovah one had turkey stuk in his teeth"

"Oh, well, we do have some meat in the kitchen for visiting dignitaries" She recalls

"**I'm good with a cheese pizza!**" Brandon yelled

"Do your people even have pizza?" Fernando wondered

"Of course we do, Luna loves it, that and chocolate…"

A static noise fills the room

"**Hey I think I've figured this out!**"

"Dios damme fuersa…" Fernando mumbled

The scientists gather around the machine and sit back in awe as Brandon manipulated the device, Brandon began to play with a few screens and music began to come from the various speakers. The music was the beat of harder better faster stronger. "**Now we got a beat goin**" Brandon chuckled as he began to press several buttons on a touch screen. "**make it, doit, makes us, harder, better, faster, stronger**" came from the speakers as Brandon continued to press the buttons causing the rest of the lyrics to play, but instead of the regular order they came out in jumbled mixes before the guitar solo from aerodynamic roared from the speakers wowing the researchers as Brandon began to tap several buttons in a repetitive order on the keyboard on his lap. "**YES**" Brandon chuckled as the solo finished. The whole spectacle came to a screeching halt as the machine's power slowed then stopped. "**awwwww**"

The whole room was silent, "Ay dios mio…" Fernando inaudibly whispered

"I liked it" a voice finally broke the silence, everything in the room turned to the main entrance to see a small midnight blue alicorn, it was none other than Luna

"Oh, you're finally here!" said Celestia

"Where are those weird hairless monkey things I heard so much about?"

"**You mean humans**!" Brandon yelled, without warning, Luna approaches Brandon "**Oh, uh, hi?**" he responded noticeably sheepishly in his disguised voice.

"Primates with metallic, bioluminescent heads and leathery skin?" Luna said as she lightly tapped Brandon's face shield.

"**O… K… can you please stop tapping my face shield?**"

"Face shield?"

Brandon removed the helmet "You see? No magic here"

"OH, it was just a mask!" Luna realized "How does it glow without magic though?"

Celestia steps over to Luna and explains "These creatures came from a much more advanced civilization, we don't know exactly how they got here, they just did."

"Ze pezza iz ready" Vier cut in

Brandon and Luna exchanged hungry looks "Do you creatures know what pizza is?" Luna asked

"I was surprised that your kind knew what pizza is" he retorted

The two walked towards the pizza which had just been wheeled in and dug in, they both showed their apparent lack of table manners, Fernando gave Celestia a look

"Oh if only Luna were human, those two look like they would make such a nice couple…"

Celestia giggled "I was thinking something similar, except, it involved him into a pony"

The couple finishes their pizza "wow, we really destroyed it" Brandon said as he happily tapped his stomach "I agree" Luna sighed. Celestia approaches the pair the Fernando at her side; he was holding his helmet under his shoulder, Celestia is the first to speak "I'm sorry about what those guards had to do to get you here" she said with an embarrassed look, two bags suddenly appeared next to Fernando and Brandon "In these bags are 1000 bits, each" the humans happily picked up the bags "and we want to ask you another favor, these strange objects are continuing to appear all over equestria and my scouts are recovering more each day, we need you two as the head of research of these objects, we got you both some living quarters at the barracks just outside of ponyville, the chariot should be here to pick you both up by now" She finished and left, Luna followed, but not before giving Brandon a wink, Fernando didn't notice. The chariot arrives and the humans step aboard, it quickly takes off, Fernando became noticeably paranoid as he realized they went airborne

"Oh get over it" Brandon shot

Fernando briefly breaks his fear "Don't I didn't see you eyeballing that 'Luna" person"

"Shut **up**" Brandon donned his helmet and sat back…

[-Yes I know Brandon has a daft punk fetish…-]

[also reuploaded due to horrid copy pasting]


	3. Chapter 3

Artifacts… Chapter 3

Fernando was sleeping uneasily; it's not every day he gets to stay in a barracks in another universe

"HUAAHH!" He shrieked as Vier gave Fernando a quick poke to awaken him

"Fernando vake oop itz 10 am vake up already you have to meet ze major!"

"The major? Who the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't have time to explain, follow me!"

Vier escorts Fernando to a large hallway just outside his room "Go down zhat hallvay and make a left, I have ozer matters to attend to…" Vier trotted away into another room, the door had a cross on it "Ok tell me vere it hurts"

Fernando jogs down the hallway as told, he reaches a large set of double doors, he pushes one of them open and cautiously walks in; there were guards everywhere. Brandon was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room eating an apple

"What took you so long?"

"I overslept, but Vier managed to wake me up…"

"Just take a seat; he'll be here in a minute"

"Who, Vier? I thought he was busy-"

A scream could be heard from down the hall, an equally loud voice came over it "Hold still I said it vould sting for a moment!"

"Well, I guess Vier _is _busy"

"Just take a seat"

Hoofsteps could be heard coming from the hallway, and the double doors opened again, a tall, scarred earth pony came into the room his coat was a dull iron grey, with a deep silver mane; it almost looked like wires were growing from his head, and he wore royal guard issue helmet specifically made to cover his left eye, it had been gouged.

"Are these the monkeys I heard so much about?" he spoke with a disturbingly soft voice

"Yes we are, and you got it wrong, we're humans" Fernando responded

"A strange name for a strange species, fitting, I also find it strange that you wear clothing all the time"

"Well, back in our universe being in the nude is kind of… frowned upon"

"It's still strange, anyways, I heard that you two are now helping figure out how to use those objects that keep appearing out of nowhere, how do you do it?"

"Well you see most of the things are common place in our world so we know how to use it" said Brandon

"Really? Then I would guess you two would know to use this…" Two royal guards were carrying a large box into the room, it had the word "rations" on one side, and one guard opened the box and carefully removed a smaller plastic-covered box from it.

"We know that it says rations, but it's just a block covered in… something, do you know what it is?" The major asked, Brandon answered

"They ARE rations, it's just that you gotta add water to it first"

"Really? Prove it…"

"Alright then"

Brandon ripped open the plastic package and unveiled a metal container, everypony except Fernando watched in anticipation

"You go get some water!" the major barked an order the nearest pony

Brandon continued to work, he pulled the tab on the container, ripping off its top, and inside of it was dried meat inside yet another plastic covering, "Here's lunch" he whispered, the guard who had been sent to retrieve water had arrived with a jug, Brandon left the meat inside its container

"Here it is, now where's that water…"

Brandon opened the bag but left the meat inside, he approached the jug, and dumped water into the metal container until the food was completely submerged, he then put it on the table

"What happens now?" the major asked

"Just give it a few minutes, it'll heat up"

They waited

"Is it hot yet?" Fernando finally spoke

"Go check if you want to know…"

"Fine…"

Fernando approached the container and dipped his finger in the water

"AGH!" he yelled as he retracted his whole arm

The whole room except the major burst out laughing for a moment, Fernando quietly snarled at Brandon and went back to his corner

"Could someone get a plate, I think it's ready" Brandon said as he finished laughing

A plate was quickly brought in and Brandon lifted the container, most of the water was gone, absorbed by the meat, Brandon shook the container over the plate and the meat fell out with a loud plop, one guardsman actually gagged at the site

"Oh don't be such a baby; back in our universe the soldiers loved this stuff when they were on duty" Brandon nudged the pony, who quickly ran out of the room, moments later a loud familiar voice came in

"Augh! Dummkopf!" everyone and everypony burst out laughing this time

"Well, now that that's over, who wants to try it?" Brandon challenged the whole room "No one, Fernando, major, no one? Alright, more for me!" Brandon sat down and ripped a piece of meat off with his hand and quickly downed the morsel, everypony in the room cringed or strange looks

"What, you don't have anything that eats meat in your universe?"

"Uhh… yes but they're all wild animals…" An earth guardsman responded, Brandon finished the slab of meat

"Well I guess we're the first…" Fernando finally spoke

Vier barges in through the door, nearly hitting the Major in the flank

"You two! Come on Its time for ze seminar!" Vier called out to the humans

"Seminar?" Brandon responded

"Vell, more of a debriefing, but still, come on!"

The humans followed the pony through a series of hallways until they reached a large auditorium, everypony from Vier's medical interns to the new recruits in the guard were present

"Ok, you two just stay by my side and say nozing, I'll handle it from here!" he whispered to Brandon and Fernando as they walked towards the stage, turning heads along the way.

"Hello everypony! I hope you all had a decent breakfast and vatnot… anyways, I vould like everypony here to meet, Brandon, and Fernando!"

The room was silent; everypony gave them a familiar stare, until one intern raised his hoof in the air and finally broke the silence

"What are they?"

"Ve… don't know… and as you can see zey are not from around here, zese are ze 'hairless monkey things' you have all heard about so much"

Another pony raised his hoof, he was a grunt

"Can they, you know, understand us? And why are they wearing clothes?"

"Nudity is frowned upon in zere society and yes are quite articulate"

"So they can use those shiny metal things with a handle and tube?"

"Yes, yes zey can and so much more…"

The grunt nodded, and whispered to another guard near him, they both left and quickly returned with a small box and a dummy; they quickly make their way to the stage. One guard set up the dummy and the other handed the box to Fernando

"Just open it and tell us what you think!" he eagerly demanded

"Ok… oh hello…" Fernando's eyes widened, he pulled a magnum from the box and examined it

"Ruger Security Six…" the gun had a wooden handle, but the rest was stainless steel

"Well, how does it work?"

Brandon cut in and explained

"It's not that complicated… Fernando, take out a bullet" Fernando swung open the cylinder and delicately pulled out a round, he handed it to Brandon

"This, everyone, is a bullet!" Brandon exclaimed

"Everypony listen to ze monkey! You too Krunk don't zink I don't know how you doze off!" he pointed at the guard, Brandon began to explain

"It's filled with an explosive powder that's stored in the shinier part here, and the darker tip of it is made of solid lead, when something hits the primer, this little dot on the back of it, it makes the powder go boom, and pushes the lead tip out of the barrel, and then anything sorry enough of to be in front of you drops dead… well, if you hit it in the right place… take us off Fernando"

Fernando nodded his head and aimed at the dummy, "Everyone cover your ears, this is gonna be loud!" he quickly proceeds to squeeze off 5 rounds into the dummy, all of which go through dummy and lodge themselves into the wall behind it, chunks of cotton were scattered across the stage. When the echo of the gunfire subsided, everpony in the room calmed down and took a good look at whatever was left of the dummy…

"Brandon, you did this with a shotgun, and I did it with a magnum… who's more awesome?"

"Yea, that's because the shotgun was full of birdshot…"

Most of the ponies in the room were perplexed at what the monkeys were bickering about; Vier promptly silenced both of them with a hoof to the mouth

"Anyvays, does anypony have any questions before ve-" A load slam echoes into the room and all the lights in the auditorium explode, panic began to rise as shards of glass fell to the ground

"Oh Scheiße not _again_… Fernando, Brandon, follow me!" Vier barked

The humans followed Vier out of the stage and through the hallways that brought them in, they quickly made their way into Vier's office. The room was sterile but bleak, there was a shelf filled with jars containing random body parts, organs, and removed obstructions, on the opposite wall there was dozens of random drawings, newspaper clippings, and maps.

"Uhh… nice place ya got here" Fernando laughed awkwardly

"You zink so? anyvays, I need to tell you two somezing… somezing important"

"Well spit it out" Brandon demanded

"Ok ok I vas to getting to zat…"

"Well, you see, sixty eight years ago…"

"Wait a second, how old are you!" Fernando was skeptical

"**Vill you let me speak**!"

"Oh... sorry…"

"Anyvays… ven I vas forty two years old I vas living a razer peaceful life, I was a doctor zen I am a doctor now, and I vas married to Irma… oh vas she beautiful... Oh uhh… yes you see ve had a little ten year old filly named Amalie, and zrough a bit of a… how you say… freak accident? Amalie lives inside my head now… she's a bit of a half ghost… she likes to play tricks on everypony in ze barracks and…" The door swung open and the humans quickly looked behind themselves, for a split second, they saw something, a demented smile on an innocent frame…

"W-what was that?" Fernando was spooked by the apparition

"Zat vas… Amalia…"

"I thought you said her name was Amalie!" Brandon pointed out

"Yes, it is, but, ze accident split her in two... Zat vas her shadow… Amalia…"

"Why are you telling us all of this!"

"Because ve'll be spending a lot of time togezer, and ze sisters like to pick on ze one zey like better…"

"Then what happens?"

"Zey'll get bored of you eventually… zey like fresh meat, anyvays, keep zis secret between ze zree of us and ze major… To everypony else, zey are simply spirits zat haunt ze barracks…"

The humans nodded their heads in unison

"Good, now run along, za rest of ze day is yours…"

"Could we leave the barracks" Brandon asked

"Tomorrow"

"Why?"

"Because I said so…"

Fernando felt his stomach growl

"Could we get something to eat?"

"Go ahead, zeres food at ze mess hall… just go down zat hall you'll reach it" Vier trotted out and pointed down a hallway.

"Thank god…" Fernando was actually thrilled for once

"You go on I'll catch up…" Brandon was still staring at the hallway, just waiting for the apparition to reappear with its sister and say "come play with us…. Forever and ever…" He quickly the pushed the idea out of his head and made his way down the hall, he caught a brief glimpse of Fernando opening double doors to the mess hall, but Brandon heard something coming from a room, he passed by a door and heard an unfamiliar voice coming from behind it, he began to wonder "That's either _really _angry sex, or someone being beaten to death…" the voice calmed, and Brandon pressed his ear against the door…

"In here I have no qualms over race; I do not care if you are a unicorn, or a pegasus, or an earth pony, in here you are all equally worthless, the lowliest scum on the face of equestria… YOU, unicorn, name!"

"Cadet Snowball sir!"

"I'm Sergeant Hartmane! Were you from?"

"Manehattan sir!"

"Let me hear your war cry"

"What?"

"WAR CRAY YOU PIECE OF SLIME"

"AAAHH-AHHHahh…."

"City colt that is the sorriest excuse of war cry I ever heard… NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 50"

"SIR YES SIR"

"Wait… but first, look at this necklace (shows him necklace) what does this look like to you?"

"A pointy rock?"

"WRONG, it's the horn I ripped off an unknown unicorn in the middle of everfree forest during a skirmish, you see the stains on it?"

"Y-yes…."

"That's his brain juice… now give me 60!"

"I thought you said 50!"

"_**70**_!"

Brandon removed his head from the door and continued down the hall, he pushed open the doors and found an all too familiar sight; Fernando was being stared down by the same ponies they saw back at the auditorium, he was eating an apple and bread while he was being asked random questions by any guardsman who mustered up the courage to approach him.

"Do your kind have magic?"

"No…"

"Are there pegasi where you come from?"

"No…"

"Are there any ponies at all in your world?"

"Sort of… just not what you'd expect"

"Whats wrong with your teeth? They look pointy."

"I'm an omnivore; I can eat meat and plants"

The ponies around Fernando began to back away at the sound of that

"You do! Ugh!"

"Well get used to it, besides I don't need meat, I can get everything I need to get by the day with this food, and no, I won't even think about eating any of you"

"Why would you do that?"

"I'm just saying… I have to go now" Fernando took one last bite of the apple and threw away whatever trash he made, Brandon ignored whatever was going at the other side of the mess hall as he downed bread as fast as he could, his appetite kept the ponies at bay, Fernando saw Brandon and walke dup to him

"If you need me I'll be with Vier, I've always wanted to get to know a surgeon"

"I-mphh mpphh mph mphh mmmphh"

"Uhh… right… weirdo…"

Fernando left the hall unmolested, the ponies around him satisfied with the answers they received, Brandon was too busy stuffing his face to notice.

"Now… where's that bastard's room…" Fernando quietly stalked the hallway looking for the door to Vier's office; he had an urge to learn more of his "daughter" Fernando finds a door with a plus on it, opening it slowly, he catches a glimpse of Vier at work with a fellow surgeon, something was odd in the way they were speaking though… it's almost as if they were breaking out into song…

Vier jumped around and gracefully donned his surgical coat

"I'll sew it up, sew it up!"

"Where ze hay is my knife!" Vier gave an annoyed look to his assistant

"You left it on the table!" the assistant returned the arrogant look

Vier checked the tables prior, they weren't there

"I don't take lies from RUNTS"

Fernando shut the door and gave a blank stare into the hallway and thought

"What the FUCK did I just see?"

Shrugging off the event, Fernando goes another few doors down the hallway, the third door down revealed Vier's office

"Yes!" Fernando thought

He crept into the room trying not to touch anything; he stared at the wall covered in seemingly random newspaper articles and strange drawings, he looked closer and felt a chill run down the length of his spine

It was a swastika

[-Author(s) note: Believe us when we say this, it's not what you think-]

[-Oh, and, for anypony or anyone out there wondering, here's the humans overall appearance:

Brandon: 5 foot 4 black hair, baby faced, and wearing leather…. And brown, kind of Asian-y looking

Fernando: 5 foot 11 black hair, long faced, wears a bright yellow shirt and jeans, is Mexican American


End file.
